I have successfully avoided Tinder since its inception in 2012, but due to my rock-bottom single status, I caved
48 hours 72 hours ago. Instead of doing something productive or interacting with actual people, I’m collecting as many good looking people as I can. Before we progress, here’s a quick run down:
Tinder is a location-based dating/mating mobile app with the properties of crack. Generally, Tinder allows nearby users who like each other to connect. If you’re not a user yet or don’t know what it is, here’s some genuine, heartfelt advice. Approach Tinder as you would a STD–if you don’t already have it, don’t try to get it.
Quick start Tinder tips
♥ no Facebook account, no Tinder. Although some basic FB info like your first name and age appear on Tinder, no Tinder activity should appear in FB. There are no posts like, “Hi, I just joined Tinder!” or “Congrats you finally got a Tinder match!”
♥ You can only upload pics to Tinder from FB. Pics that are hidden in FB cannot be uploaded.
♥ Tinder informs users if they have common FB friends. On one hand, there’s a bit more security, accountability. Plus, the ratio of “deadbeat friends” versus “responsible friends” can be a nice tie-breaker. On the other hand, anonymity may be compromised. FYI–some people are creating fake FB accounts. Want Tinder to get as creepy as MySpace did? Keep doing that. BTB does not like.
♥ In a nutshell, Tinder shows you pics of nearby users. You like, swipe right. Discard, swipe left. Distance and some other preferences can be adjusted.
♥ The following is very important. You get one chance to decide on a user, and cannot move on until you do. Accidentally swiped left? You have blocked this user permanently and can never Tinder them again. There are probably exceptions or ways around this, but you’re better than that.
♥ Two users must like each other in order to communicate. Stalkers and psychos, this means the feeling must be mutual.
♥ Hotties with extremely large hearts will love this. When Tinder is used as intended, a user should not know that they have been rejected, or who rejected them. The photos appear in random order, and there is no log of photos swiped. This tip is not applicable, let’s say, if a user right swipes an ex they really want back. I think we all know what will happen.
♥ Once two users match, Tinder congratulates them and rewards them with Tinder text capability. Because the communication is via Tinder, no personal phone #s need to be exchanged.
How to get Tinder
Whether you’re looking to mate or date (←you guys are so adorable btw), the key to success is being highly attractive. I know because I get a lot of Tinder, and my profile only has pics, first name, and age. No one cares about how smart I am or what my political stance is. In fact, you will notice that hottie user profiles do not contain any words. Think about that.
Tinder is only for attractive people. Luckily, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Example: George Clooney? Not my thing. Also, practically speaking, hotties are the minority so there is a fighting chance for mediocrity.
Here are some conversations to have with yourself when deciding on profile pics:
♥ Is this pic of me, taking a picture of myself, using the reflection of a dirty bathroom mirror (aka ghetto selfie), with my messy child-like bedroom in the background sexy? Or a little frightening? No one wants anything to do with any of that. Even if the bathroom is really nice, what are you thinking? Ew. You have very bad judgment.
♥ What does taking a selfie, from a bizarre angle, in my beat up OR really expensive car, say about me? This does not even make sense. You are very strange and have bad judgment.
♥ Should I lie? We all do it to some extent. I’m not lecturing here, just being realistic. Men: imagine. You’ve waited for this ice cold, refreshing beer all day. You tip your head back, about to let the good times roll, and you get a mouthful of room temperature hard cider. Dig deep. How do you feel? Ladies: remember when you were about to take a shot of grain alcohol because your Tinder man obviously does not clear 6 feet like promised? Now imagine shooting back dirty water.
♥ Some comforting news. Men, it is futile to lie about your height. Don’t worry or think about it again. If you lie, the following is a certainty: your date will be sulky and hate you. Not only are you short and have low self-esteem, you are a liar. She may be a sweetheart and not verbalize this. But I promise, she is thinking it. Leaving out your height can also lead to frustration and guessing, resulting in an undeserved left swipe. Women are experts in determining height based on very little information. You will be compared to anyone/anything in the picture–a barstool, the glass you are holding, the ocean in the background, etc. More likely than not, you will be assumed shorter than you actually are. The reality of this height issue is that there are plenty of hot shorty women who do not want to look like tiny children walking down the street. Some hottie women could care less about height. Admittedly, I am a hottie who cares. My preference is above 6’1″, but it’s nice to see a guy say hey, I’m 5’10″ it’s just who I am. A beautiful face and/or hot bod and/or personality can make up for height. If you think this is just for the daters, not maters, you are wrong. With the lights off, it is very difficult to see how tall you are. And if it’s really good, we’re not paying attention to your height.
♥ Ladies, men, no old/inaccurate/really blurry pictures. Hotties will not waste time on you. If your photo is date stamped 2007 and it is 2014, you’re assumed to be ugly, possibly a hoarder, and living in the past. If it’s blurry, something must be very wrong i.e. bad acne/wonky teeth/very ugly. Long hair don’t care? Show up with a pixie cut and see what happens. You are also assumed to have no friends (any good friend/acquaintance/stranger would spare 5 secs to take a better pic).
♥ Remember, you’re essentially saying these are the best pictures of me, and I am doing my best to represent myself. Again, if you think this is just for the daters, not maters, you are wrong. Even when the lights are off, some things cannot be unseen.
Brain Trust Babe